Redemption
by Emerald84
Summary: Okay, so this is basically an explanation for certain actions taken lately, whcih will hopefully enlighten mande and briske, who seem set on stereotyping me as evil.


Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to any of the characters.  
  
One day, Frodo was walking with Sam and Gollum on their merry way to the land of Mordor.  
  
"Oh master Frodo, I don't think I can go on much longer without at least some tea and crumpets, and maybe a hair dryer," Sam said.  
  
"Sssssssssssshut up, my preciousssss gay hobbit," said Gollum.  
  
As Frodo was about to reprimand his two companions, there was a loud "poof", and Sam and Gollum were both concealed by large clouds of purple smoke. When this had cleared, Frodo was amazed to see that Gollum was now wearing a naughty nun costume, and Sam was wearing an almost impossibly low- cut silver shirt and tiara.  
  
"Um, so have I been transported into a low-budget soft porn film, perhaps one titled 'Deed Pole'?" asked Frodo.  
  
"No Frodo," said the nun, "I am here to tell you to steal the One Key Chain from Sam."  
  
"Wait, I thought I was the Key Chain Bearer," said Frodo in a confused voice.  
  
"Well, the author didn't want to make herself into Sam, that would have been too humiliating. So she just switched your parts," explained the nun wisely.  
  
"Although this naughty nun may speak the truth about this character switch, you should not trust her on matters of grave importance, such as the fate of the One Key Chain," said Sam. "You must help me to protect this precious item from shady characters such as her."  
  
"You bitch!" cried Gollum.  
  
"Oh, don't go there, girl!" replied Sam, snapping his fingers.  
  
The two proceeded to verbally assault one another, since both were too lazy to actually take a swing at the other.  
  
"I have a question," said Frodo. "Why am I even involved in this? Why don't you two just fight it out between yourselves? Why place me in the middle, a lose-lose situation, where I can only alienate myself from both of you?"  
  
"Um, you suck," said Gollum uninventively.  
  
"We just figure this will mean less work for the both of us, and since we are incredibly lazy, too bad for you. Mwahahahahaha," replied Sam.  
  
So the three companions continued walking, the nun and mock-prostitute eyeing each other suspiciously the whole way. At one point, Frodo decided that, to break up the boredom of the trip, he would help Gollum steal the One Key Chain from Sam while he was asleep. Frodo cleverly alerted Sam as to when Gollum would be leaving the One Key Chain unprotected, and Gollum brutishly stole it.  
  
"Oh, come on now, that wasn't fair!" said Sam when he discovered his Key Chain missing.  
  
And so Sam unfairly shunned Frodo for his actions, writing unflattering stories about him and not letting him have any crumpets. Frodo began to feel pretty bad about what he had done, since he realized that there was only one One Key Chain that was shaped like a Squirtle, and that Sam could never get himself another one.  
  
So Frodo helped Sam in a blackmail scheme with Gollum, which involved his rather ambiguous relationship with a married Orc, so that the One Key Chain would be returned to its rightful owner.  
  
When this had been accomplished, the company was still really really far away from Mordor.  
  
"So, we still have a long way to go, so why don't we steal squirtle again?" asked Gollum one evening.  
  
"I think not," replied Frodo.  
  
"But come on, you're evil!" said Gollum.  
  
"Actually, I never was evil. I was just bored. And in that boredom I performed a few tasks that I'm not very proud of. Although I have yet to see the merit of the One Key Chain, since it has no power considering that I have the One Ring with me, I really shouldn't go around antagonizing Sam. And besides, you only paid me one lembas, which was soooo not worth it."  
  
With that, Sam and Gollum went up in another large 'poof' of smoke, and were returned to their normal outfits. Sam was now wearing his tight pink ribbed sweater, and gollum was, well, we don't need to hear about Gollum's lack of clothing. The three then continued on their way to Mordor, singing 'It's Raining Men'". 


End file.
